Illuminations

There are times in life we find ourselves in "circumstances", self-created or not,  that reveal to us our most profound and submarine fears, insecurities, and vulnerabilities. These "circumstances" are situations, relationships, epiphanies, realities, tragedies, etc. More often than not, they are difficult, disturbing, devastating, dark, and sometimes, even obscene. I have realized that the most hopeless of them can be an odyssey towards enlightenment, evolution, and baptism.

In the past, faced with dire circumstances, I often found myself reflexively reciting the self-pitying mantra: "Why is this happening to me?" or "why is this person doing this to me?" Words carry weight and with this internal dialogue I was subconsciously accepting myself as the helpless, paralyzed victim of fate. I'll never forget this one particular moment because it was so profound and it went like this ... One day, in the midst of doing random household activities and walking through the doorway into my bedroom I had a moment of lucid clarity that literally blew me away, so much so, that I had to sit down on my bed and process the stream of thoughts that had just crashed into my unassuming being. I realized I was going about it all wrong. My internal language, my pattern of thinking had me running in self-destructive circles. I had unknowingly surrendered my agency and allowed "circumstance" to highjack my life. Again, I was blown away. As if by walking through that physical doorway I had entered a figurative alternate universe, an alternate way of conceptualizing and perceiving my world, myself.

Yes, certain things are out of our control. And yet, many things are within our control. I am not a fan of the word control. Influence. That's better. It was at that very moment that I understood I had immeasurable (not limitless) influence and agency in my life. I just needed to shuffle the words in my head. What I realized when I walked through that door was that things were not "happening to (poor old) me". Nine times out of ten, I was consenting said things to happen. I was giving them permission to affect me, to hurt me, to disrespect me, and yes, even to abuse me! And, just as I had allowed them, I could as easily deny them this right. Right?

So, slowly and patiently I labored to change my thought patterns. (Not the easiest thing to do) Every time I found myself starting with the familiar "Why ...", I stopped, backtracked and started over with, "I am permitting this and I do not need to." And, things changed. I changed.

These difficult circumstances were key in this catharsis. The most opaque darkness actually shed the brightest light on my vulnerabilities. It illuminated every corner, nook and cranny: unvisited places where old dry dust had taken precedence. They had nowhere to hide and it was depressing to see them and to face this extremely uncomfortable truth that was now unearthed and staring me squarely in the face.  And now, I had to deal with them.

This was where the conversations with myself, conscious and subconscious, were pivotal. I realized it was easier to hide behind the excuse of fate and to don the robe of victim, rather than accept my role in creating these unsavory circumstances. Because now I had to explore why. That is another story for another time.

In looking back, I am ever grateful for those excruciatingly painful experiences. They were opportunities, gifts. Illuminations. Without their blinding light I could not have seen the holes in the wall that needed mending with love, compassion and patience. So, thank you.